Yes, re-definition, that's where I'm at right now. After so much that has happened to me I got to a point where I just realized I completely lost the reference. Yes, that serious. I don't know what I want to do anymore, I kinda lost a bit of my certainty about life, about me, about who I want to be... and wow, how sweet is that. ;D I know, I could look at it as sad, depressing and desperate. It kinda was how I saw it at first, you know? So much happened, and I lost myself. I actually feel like I'm finding myself, re-Defining my beliefs, my dreams, my hopes, my values, my essence... I thought I had everything under control, I thought I was aware of how people would respond to my actions~ The thing is, I never really made decisions based on me, I made my choices based on the re-Action of others, of those I love, because although I act tough, look tough and seem to be the strongest and most confident girl in the world, sometimes I'm just a little girl yearning for the love of those I love. I never want to disappoint anyone, I'm scared they might stop loving me. So I'm tough.
Right now? I'm vulnerable, not sure of anything, insecure about my own self, but I'm glad. Glad I get to have a second chance. It may sound weird, but I pushed myself to the limit. It's something about my essence, my soul... the responsibility, the control, the fear of letting the world take care of things because I don't believe in their capacity. I've put so much on my shoulders, so much, to the point I forgot I'm only 19 years-old and I get to make mistakes too. Who said I understood it was okay for me to commit mistakes and be unsure about my life? I didn't. I pushed my health to the limit. Pushed my mind to the limit. Pushed my heart to the limit. I didn't realize that not dealing with my frustrations would bring me more frustrations and open door to other kinds of darkness. Man, was it dark. Little frustrations brought me big fears. Now I get to deal with myself, get to find out my story, get to learn and face my weaknesses. How cool is that? I'm glad. I'm not the happiest girl in the world right now, but I'm doing cool things. I'm trainning daily, reading, thinking, thinking and thinking...learning who I am. I'm setting new habits, new goals, learning small little things... it's so cool.
Watch me go through this. I'm learning to trust the world, learning to love~ and learning that I am so intense is not even funny. I'll be fine~ I knowI will...
I'm learning to have faith in me, and to believe I actually deserve good things too ;) And one thing I know I am based on, I'm so based on the truth. That's the value that makes me believe it will be okay, because I'M truthful to myself now, and truthful to the world. Nobody needs to give me anything, because I get it with all my own and independent essence. I have many many many problems that I haven't found the answer to yet, and I know I'll continue to have ~ it's all good, I have a whooole life to figure out who I want to be, and whoever I choose to be, I surely will. Now, if people choose to give me things, I get to accept to~
I have a unique chance in my hands, I'm taking it with all of my heart, soul and essence... re-definition. This is not the first time, and surely wont be the last ;)
peace.
