20 going on 35

Next week I turn twenty-years old but sometimes it feels like I'm thirty-fve. It's something about the way I think, the way I feel about life, the way I see and relate to people. For some reason I've always been very critical about the way I make my decisions, about who I am. It's like I always expect myself to have a mature behaviour about everything that happens to me and if I don't, I feel extremely disappointed.

Luckily I realized this in time to change! I mean, yes, we should always try to be the most mature about everything in life but hey I still get away with 19-year-old attitudes and thoughts, don't I? Exactly, imagine me reaching my 30's and trying to be 19 again? Yeah, we can't go backwards so I will live my age right now. Allow myself to be and feel as a nineteen-year old girl. Well, I'd say twenty.

For this next year, this next phase of my life I'm differently foccused. Foccused in my professional and academic future now. Allowing myself to go out and have fun, go clubbing, meet different people, do different things and more than anything smile. I declare that this year the only tears I'll shed will be of joy. Joy, laughter, happiness... those are the three words for my 20's.

For my 20's I only desire to be a beautiful and happy young woman on the rise. On the journey towards success! I dedicate this to being YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL, but this time not only in a place called Brasil, this time I want to be any and everywhere. May my smile open doors and my intelligence keep them open! This is how I feel now: OPENed!

OPENed for new opportunities, new people, new places... new feelings! ;) All the way new! ;) I'm 20 going on 20 now! ;) I'm not trying to be more mature than the world might expect me to, I will just be who I am, whether I'm mature or not I quit being too hard on myself cuz at the end of the day I'm the only one who deals with all of the expectations I impose anyways~

Let me shine and naturally be who I'm supposed to~

'Bea-you-tee-full'

G. A.

No Longer

I saw him. He saw me. After several months our eyes met again, but this time things between us were different.

That same man that was able to cause an eruption in my soul, that same man that made me go lower I had ever been, that same man that could make me breathless with a touch, that same man that had meant the world to me one day... no longer did.

Nothing. That's exactly what I felt when I looked into his eyes. No, I didn't get mad, in fact no anger at all came to me. I didn't feel sad nor did I feel pain. I didn't feel anything. I smiled. That was how my being could respond with, at that instant. No, I haven't forgotten all he's done to me, however, at that same time it didn't really matter anymore. It wasn't important. He meant nothing. It was like looking at a stranger, seeing someone random. No longer I tried to understand why, how or what... it didn't matter. He looked beautiful, but no longer attracted me, his perfume continued to smell good, however it no longer hypnotized me.

There wasn't any conflict. I didn't feel like hitting him, didn't feel like saying some ish to his face, didn't feel mad...neither did I miss his kiss, nor wish him back... didn't mean to talk to him, didn't mind his presence, didn't mind walking by him, didn't care if he was with someone else, didn't feel like feeling him... no, I no longer cared at all about him. I didn't watch him to see if he'd look at me, didn't expect him to say anything, didn't carry any grudge, didn't feel scared, didn't feel lost... I just no longer felt anything.

However, my mind for a second wondered: How could a person that once was able to hurt me so much, be able to look me in the eye? How could a person actually act normal and natural afterall? Then, it occurred to me I was probably not the first one he hurt. And before he left I was able to realize he wasn't alone, and that surely I wouldn't be the last one. It no longer matters though.

I don't wish him bad ~I just no longer wish him at all, and I'm thankful for that.

May life keep going, may my smile keep shinning...

G. A.

Letter to Love

Dear Love,

Wherever you may be at I want you to know I'm here, and I'm ready to be caught by surprise by you! I thought I had found you, however I learned it wasn't you. You can't be represented by agony, suffering and tears. I've put so much effort into finding and reaching you, I was blinded.

Now I know that wasn't you, I should have at least imagined since I've always experienced your other forms. I have so much of you inside me that I can't measure. I'm you! You are in everything I do, you are in all I believe to have beauty, you hold all I base myself on... so no, I haven't yet given up on you, I never will... It doesn't matter how long you take to come around, I shall remain applying you in all that I am, do and believe.

Days may go by, months might fade away but my faith in you will remain strong and solid, you'll continue to grow in me so that I can have much to give you once you stop by! As time goes I have more and more of you, I learn more and more about you...

Just want you to know though, that now I'm not hunting you down. Whenever you feel prepared and decide you wanna find me, I'm at your reach, I'm here waiting for you... striving but not starving!

Don't forget me, I'm here for you!

G. A.

re-Definition.

Yes, re-definition, that's where I'm at right now. After so much that has happened to me I got to a point where I just realized I completely lost the reference. Yes, that serious. I don't know what I want to do anymore, I kinda lost a bit of my certainty about life, about me, about who I want to be... and wow, how sweet is that. ;D I know, I could look at it as sad, depressing and desperate. It kinda was how I saw it at first, you know? So much happened, and I lost myself. I actually feel like I'm finding myself, re-Defining my beliefs, my dreams, my hopes, my values, my essence... I thought I had everything under control, I thought I was aware of how people would respond to my actions~ The thing is, I never really made decisions based on me, I made my choices based on the re-Action of others, of those I love, because although I act tough, look tough and seem to be the strongest and most confident girl in the world, sometimes I'm just a little girl yearning for the love of those I love. I never want to disappoint anyone, I'm scared they might stop loving me. So I'm tough.

Right now? I'm vulnerable, not sure of anything, insecure about my own self, but I'm glad. Glad I get to have a second chance. It may sound weird, but I pushed myself to the limit. It's something about my essence, my soul... the responsibility, the control, the fear of letting the world take care of things because I don't believe in their capacity. I've put so much on my shoulders, so much, to the point I forgot I'm only 19 years-old and I get to make mistakes too. Who said I understood it was okay for me to commit mistakes and be unsure about my life? I didn't. I pushed my health to the limit. Pushed my mind to the limit. Pushed my heart to the limit. I didn't realize that not dealing with my frustrations would bring me more frustrations and open door to other kinds of darkness. Man, was it dark. Little frustrations brought me big fears. Now I get to deal with myself, get to find out my story, get to learn and face my weaknesses. How cool is that? I'm glad. I'm not the happiest girl in the world right now, but I'm doing cool things. I'm trainning daily, reading, thinking, thinking and thinking...learning who I am. I'm setting new habits, new goals, learning small little things... it's so cool.

Watch me go through this. I'm learning to trust the world, learning to love~ and learning that I am so intense is not even funny. I'll be fine~ I knowI will...

I'm learning to have faith in me, and to believe I actually deserve good things too ;) And one thing I know I am based on, I'm so based on the truth. That's the value that makes me believe it will be okay, because I'M truthful to myself now, and truthful to the world. Nobody needs to give me anything, because I get it with all my own and independent essence. I have many many many problems that I haven't found the answer to yet, and I know I'll continue to have ~ it's all good, I have a whooole life to figure out who I want to be, and whoever I choose to be, I surely will. Now, if people choose to give me things, I get to accept to~

I have a unique chance in my hands, I'm taking it with all of my heart, soul and essence... re-definition. This is not the first time, and surely wont be the last ;)

peace.

If I'm mad?

If I'm mad? After all you've done to me, that's all you want to know? *laughs* Seriously now, stop being a nigga. Do you not realize how many tears I've shed because of you? How much effort I put into getting us together? It's okay, I'm not charging you anything, I'm just saying that I did all I could to make things right, to be with you. Seriously, just walk out of my life. I don't want anything from you, I don't want you nor to be with you. If you only knew how much pain you made me feel, how did you dare to show up with some other girl in front of me? You think I'd do that to you, no I wouldn't. Telling me that we were something beyond, that what you felt for me threatened your relationship, telling me that what we had was way too strong to be lived the way it was being... man, no. Please, just get out of my life. Don't talk to me when you see me, don't look into my eyes, don't let my name slip out of your mouth, don't think of me, don't call me, don't see me. Maybe to you it was just an adventure, but for me this was the first time I actually really liked someone, so it's taking me a while to get over but once I do, honey, you are so gone. Right now all I can do is live my life, do different things and not think of you or all the good things we've done together. What makes you think you have the right to grab me by the arm, and talk to me? DON'T talk. There's nothing to be talked about. What? You expected me to say "yes, I'm mad at you", for what? Start a scene? Honey, I'm not the scene kind of girl, after all is already said and done, there's nothing else to it. You probably have no idea of how much pain I still feel when I see you, or when I think of you, or when I listen to the songs we used to listen together. It makes me believe you are selfish, or just straight up cold, also that you really know how to lie. It's not the fact that you didn't want me, I mean sure, rejection does hurt, however it's the fact that you've lied to me, the fact that your words do not match your actions, you know? It's okay though, time heals everything and that's what makes me feel better. But you just don't kno man, you really don't know. It's sad for me because I've given the very best of me as I hadn't to anyone else, I've been the most truthful I could, and still seems not to have been enough... it hurts to remember you've been in my life for years, insisting to be around me and I never cared, when I finally gave you a chance you do this to me, why would you? I mean seriously, why did you even enter my life if you were going to eff everything up? That's what makes me more mad, the fact that I had ignored you all my life, and then I simply let you enter my life for no reason. I swear it felt real to me, it felt real as it had never before... so, you wanna know if I'm mad? Hell yea nigga, I'm mad. Not at you though, you're no one to make me mad. I'm mad at myself, mad at the fact I let you enter my life after years, mad at the fact that I let myself get trapped into your lies and words...mad at the fact I actually feel something for you, mad at the fact you are just like the rest while I believed you weren't... so yes, I'm mad, extremely mad. Please let me let you go and please just go, you've ruined enough of my days already and I can't be living in anger because of some bitch ass nigga like you. [Excuse my language, but I'm mad] I can't be losing my voice, I can't be getting sick cuz of you. You ain't worth it, and now I'm aware of it. So please, keep away. Go away. I'm cool without you, I don't want you anymore. All I want is to not want or remember you ever existed in my life. By the way, I take back saying your girlfriend was lucky, I am lucky ~ Lucky I don't have to deal with anyone like you, lucky I don't have deal with your lies, lucky God took me out of your path before you stepped over me. So please roll, I ain't got no more time for you.

If I'm mad? I am, but not at you, because you're no one to make me mad. So whenever you see me, don't waste your time to say anything because I ain't gonna be listening.

Gii ~

O Querer

O Querer

O querer se desloca,
E o meu querer é intenso,
Meu querer é sedento,
Meu querer é insistente,
Ele é inconseqüente.

Faz se óbvio de uma forma irreverente.
É único, é selvagem, é inconsistente,
Da mesma maneira que se acende,
Meu querer queima o peito de quem sente.
Uma vez despertado, é paixão latente,
Irreversível, imprevisível, indiscutível, indivisíve!

O querer se desloca
E ao mesmo tempo que capacita
ele liberta, não se abidica.
Não sede a resignação,
É entrega, não é submissão.

O meu querer alimenta,
O meu querer complementa,
não se contenta,
ele se experimenta...

Não há como ser dominado,
ele é o elemento, ele é ousado!

O meu querer não subestima,
Meu querer não controla,
E veja bem meu caro, ele não me domina
Capaz de ser sua sina.

Ele é fogo ardente
Não se suporta, transborda
Se faz descontente.

Meu querer é imensurável
Meu querer talvez seja aguçável
E ele não te limita,
Simplesmente te excita!

Meu caro, meu querer é insensível
Uma vez desrespeitado,
Ele se faz impossível.
Querido, uma vez desvalorizado
Ele se faz desencantado.

Eis de virar nostalgia
De quem tanto te quis um dia.
O querer se desloca
E ele é totalmente descontrolado.
Uma vez superado, materializa-se
N'outro quem não tenha conquistado.

Meu querer foi despertado,
Mas esta rumo ao adormecer,
E todo o descontrole infundado
Logo há de ser parte de um novo querer.

És agora parte do indiferente,
O que lhe é triste,
Porém você muito que mente.

Eis de existir sem saber,
Eis de se torturar com a falta do poder...
Sem entender o que haveria de ser,
A paixão viva, e explosiva do meu querer...
Como seria o me tocar, o me ter...
Experienciar a intensidade, ver o corpo tremer...
Fundir nossas almas, deixar o inimaginável acontecer...
Ser o imprevisível, segundo à segundo, até o dia amanhecer...
E por um momento sentir o corpo de certa forma morrer...
Testemunhar como eu faço o impossível, e trago o mais inacreditável de dentro de você...
Dormir ao meu lado, e acordar enroscado no meu mais verdadeiro "inconter"...
...esqueça meu bem, você me fez sofrer.

O querer se desloca meu caro,
e o meu querer se limitou a não querer você!

Self

Incredible. After all the tears I've shed my life seems to be getting so much better. Oh, hold on, wait, my life was never bad. Hmm, I think I am growing up then. Ever since I found myself without him I went deep inside my soul, my mind and today, I'm at peace. I remember someone saying something like: "...everything is always right, but the human being insists on focusing exactly on the one thing that just doesn't seem to go as right..."~ So truthful. We insist on focusing on the one thing that just isn't going the way we wanted to go. Well, here's one thing I realized. There's no such thing as control in this life, and I stopped fooling myself thinking that I can actually define the course that my existence will take. Because I can't. I won't. I think I finally found out what's the point. It is to simply live life, live the present moment, being thankful for everything we have and holding good thoughts towards the future, but NOT focusing on it. And I'm at peace. At peace because I'm not scared of the future anymore. It will be what it has to be, and I think that people do know that, but we're so automatically pessismistic that we think: "okay, it will be what it has to be, but who said it has to be good? who said that it has to not include pain?" ~ that's the pattern I found in me, and after I found it I could actually deal with my personal ghosts. Tomorrow will be according to what you cultivate today. Doesn't that sooth your soul? It does mine. Shoot, all I have to do is cultivate good things around me, good people around me and try my best to make the best decisions, make decisions with the wisdom of the mind and truthfulness of the heart.

I'm happy on my own way today. I have restablished relationships to people that have always been the essence of me, my family. It's like we've made a pact to each other, and we're growing together everyday more, it's just beautiful. Things are going great at school, everyday more I realize this is what I'm here for. Studying has never felt so good, never felt so right, so fulfilling. At my job I'm getting a promotion in June or July, I still don't know. It's supposed to happen soon, but I'm not really focusing on it. If it doesn't happen I'm waiting until I actually complete a year there and I'll move on. I want to work with airlines! I've been 'eating' books! I've read so much lately, the good thing about reading is that it DOES enhance your confidence regarding your intelligence, plus it actually inspires you to writting or reading even more. It's a vicious cycles. Healthy cycle.

My health is not as well as my mind YET, but it's on the way. I need to gain weight. I have already gained a few pounds, soon I'll start working out~ I wanna be all complete. I think is just a matter of time.

Time. The word that has always sounded as a bomb to my ears, today sounds good. Time. It passes so fast. And it allows us to look back and learn based on our own mistakes ~ I've learned man, I've learned. In a very short period of time I feel as if I have aged 5 years! hahaha I know, stupid! But it's the truth...

I'm not contradicting myself and saying I don't miss the dude, shoot do I miss him. I miss him like crazy, but it's really a matter of commitment. I'm committed to me. I'll live with me forever, I can't ruin everything I already am based on sadness for someone I don't even know for sure if is right for me, you know? It took me days to realize it, but I have realized it. I'm not saying I'm over him, because I'm not. I love him. But I do love myself more.. Love is a free feeling and no one is obliged to feel something simply because the other person does. I LOVE him. And I pray every night, pray for peace. I pray for him. I pray for me. I pray that we go our ways, be they separated or together. I pray for us to go on the right path towards happiness, be it together or apart. I pray for me and just as much, I pray for him, because I love him, I'll keep loving him as long as the feeling lasts... I'm not going to fight it.... we never know tomorrow someone else might come around and maybe then I'll learn the joy of loving someone and being loved too... I mean, if not tomorrow, eventually I know it will happen. Someone better always comes around, always... he had his chance, I hope he made the right choice...

"...We choose to play love games
We lose, we face the pain
Those lonely nights and that heartache
That empty space

I’ll share with you my dreams
Those precious tender things
Everybody plays a fool
I guess I played my part for you

Never do something that’ll catch up to ya
You did me wrong and told me lies,
Never do something that you’ll live to regret,
You hurt me so bad, babe

Deep in my heart I feel sorry for ya
You had to lose a damn good thing
Loving me could have been good
Losing my love was a shame, baby
[Losing my good love was such a shame, baby]

I heard it through the grapevine
That you ain’t feeling too fine
Hope that you feel much better
Yes, I do [I really, really do, baby]...

...all I really needed was your loving..."

Grapevine - Brownstone

Loving me would've been good, I'm sure...

...but it is what it is, and it is fine the way it is... ;D