Self

Incredible. After all the tears I've shed my life seems to be getting so much better. Oh, hold on, wait, my life was never bad. Hmm, I think I am growing up then. Ever since I found myself without him I went deep inside my soul, my mind and today, I'm at peace. I remember someone saying something like: "...everything is always right, but the human being insists on focusing exactly on the one thing that just doesn't seem to go as right..."~ So truthful. We insist on focusing on the one thing that just isn't going the way we wanted to go. Well, here's one thing I realized. There's no such thing as control in this life, and I stopped fooling myself thinking that I can actually define the course that my existence will take. Because I can't. I won't. I think I finally found out what's the point. It is to simply live life, live the present moment, being thankful for everything we have and holding good thoughts towards the future, but NOT focusing on it. And I'm at peace. At peace because I'm not scared of the future anymore. It will be what it has to be, and I think that people do know that, but we're so automatically pessismistic that we think: "okay, it will be what it has to be, but who said it has to be good? who said that it has to not include pain?" ~ that's the pattern I found in me, and after I found it I could actually deal with my personal ghosts. Tomorrow will be according to what you cultivate today. Doesn't that sooth your soul? It does mine. Shoot, all I have to do is cultivate good things around me, good people around me and try my best to make the best decisions, make decisions with the wisdom of the mind and truthfulness of the heart.

I'm happy on my own way today. I have restablished relationships to people that have always been the essence of me, my family. It's like we've made a pact to each other, and we're growing together everyday more, it's just beautiful. Things are going great at school, everyday more I realize this is what I'm here for. Studying has never felt so good, never felt so right, so fulfilling. At my job I'm getting a promotion in June or July, I still don't know. It's supposed to happen soon, but I'm not really focusing on it. If it doesn't happen I'm waiting until I actually complete a year there and I'll move on. I want to work with airlines! I've been 'eating' books! I've read so much lately, the good thing about reading is that it DOES enhance your confidence regarding your intelligence, plus it actually inspires you to writting or reading even more. It's a vicious cycles. Healthy cycle.

My health is not as well as my mind YET, but it's on the way. I need to gain weight. I have already gained a few pounds, soon I'll start working out~ I wanna be all complete. I think is just a matter of time.

Time. The word that has always sounded as a bomb to my ears, today sounds good. Time. It passes so fast. And it allows us to look back and learn based on our own mistakes ~ I've learned man, I've learned. In a very short period of time I feel as if I have aged 5 years! hahaha I know, stupid! But it's the truth...

I'm not contradicting myself and saying I don't miss the dude, shoot do I miss him. I miss him like crazy, but it's really a matter of commitment. I'm committed to me. I'll live with me forever, I can't ruin everything I already am based on sadness for someone I don't even know for sure if is right for me, you know? It took me days to realize it, but I have realized it. I'm not saying I'm over him, because I'm not. I love him. But I do love myself more.. Love is a free feeling and no one is obliged to feel something simply because the other person does. I LOVE him. And I pray every night, pray for peace. I pray for him. I pray for me. I pray that we go our ways, be they separated or together. I pray for us to go on the right path towards happiness, be it together or apart. I pray for me and just as much, I pray for him, because I love him, I'll keep loving him as long as the feeling lasts... I'm not going to fight it.... we never know tomorrow someone else might come around and maybe then I'll learn the joy of loving someone and being loved too... I mean, if not tomorrow, eventually I know it will happen. Someone better always comes around, always... he had his chance, I hope he made the right choice...

"...We choose to play love games
We lose, we face the pain
Those lonely nights and that heartache
That empty space

I’ll share with you my dreams
Those precious tender things
Everybody plays a fool
I guess I played my part for you

Never do something that’ll catch up to ya
You did me wrong and told me lies,
Never do something that you’ll live to regret,
You hurt me so bad, babe

Deep in my heart I feel sorry for ya
You had to lose a damn good thing
Loving me could have been good
Losing my love was a shame, baby
[Losing my good love was such a shame, baby]

I heard it through the grapevine
That you ain’t feeling too fine
Hope that you feel much better
Yes, I do [I really, really do, baby]...

...all I really needed was your loving..."

Grapevine - Brownstone

Loving me would've been good, I'm sure...

...but it is what it is, and it is fine the way it is... ;D