20 going on 35

Next week I turn twenty-years old but sometimes it feels like I'm thirty-fve. It's something about the way I think, the way I feel about life, the way I see and relate to people. For some reason I've always been very critical about the way I make my decisions, about who I am. It's like I always expect myself to have a mature behaviour about everything that happens to me and if I don't, I feel extremely disappointed.

Luckily I realized this in time to change! I mean, yes, we should always try to be the most mature about everything in life but hey I still get away with 19-year-old attitudes and thoughts, don't I? Exactly, imagine me reaching my 30's and trying to be 19 again? Yeah, we can't go backwards so I will live my age right now. Allow myself to be and feel as a nineteen-year old girl. Well, I'd say twenty.

For this next year, this next phase of my life I'm differently foccused. Foccused in my professional and academic future now. Allowing myself to go out and have fun, go clubbing, meet different people, do different things and more than anything smile. I declare that this year the only tears I'll shed will be of joy. Joy, laughter, happiness... those are the three words for my 20's.

For my 20's I only desire to be a beautiful and happy young woman on the rise. On the journey towards success! I dedicate this to being YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL, but this time not only in a place called Brasil, this time I want to be any and everywhere. May my smile open doors and my intelligence keep them open! This is how I feel now: OPENed!

OPENed for new opportunities, new people, new places... new feelings! ;) All the way new! ;) I'm 20 going on 20 now! ;) I'm not trying to be more mature than the world might expect me to, I will just be who I am, whether I'm mature or not I quit being too hard on myself cuz at the end of the day I'm the only one who deals with all of the expectations I impose anyways~

Let me shine and naturally be who I'm supposed to~

'Bea-you-tee-full'

G. A.

No Longer

I saw him. He saw me. After several months our eyes met again, but this time things between us were different.

That same man that was able to cause an eruption in my soul, that same man that made me go lower I had ever been, that same man that could make me breathless with a touch, that same man that had meant the world to me one day... no longer did.

Nothing. That's exactly what I felt when I looked into his eyes. No, I didn't get mad, in fact no anger at all came to me. I didn't feel sad nor did I feel pain. I didn't feel anything. I smiled. That was how my being could respond with, at that instant. No, I haven't forgotten all he's done to me, however, at that same time it didn't really matter anymore. It wasn't important. He meant nothing. It was like looking at a stranger, seeing someone random. No longer I tried to understand why, how or what... it didn't matter. He looked beautiful, but no longer attracted me, his perfume continued to smell good, however it no longer hypnotized me.

There wasn't any conflict. I didn't feel like hitting him, didn't feel like saying some ish to his face, didn't feel mad...neither did I miss his kiss, nor wish him back... didn't mean to talk to him, didn't mind his presence, didn't mind walking by him, didn't care if he was with someone else, didn't feel like feeling him... no, I no longer cared at all about him. I didn't watch him to see if he'd look at me, didn't expect him to say anything, didn't carry any grudge, didn't feel scared, didn't feel lost... I just no longer felt anything.

However, my mind for a second wondered: How could a person that once was able to hurt me so much, be able to look me in the eye? How could a person actually act normal and natural afterall? Then, it occurred to me I was probably not the first one he hurt. And before he left I was able to realize he wasn't alone, and that surely I wouldn't be the last one. It no longer matters though.

I don't wish him bad ~I just no longer wish him at all, and I'm thankful for that.

May life keep going, may my smile keep shinning...

G. A.

Letter to Love

Dear Love,

Wherever you may be at I want you to know I'm here, and I'm ready to be caught by surprise by you! I thought I had found you, however I learned it wasn't you. You can't be represented by agony, suffering and tears. I've put so much effort into finding and reaching you, I was blinded.

Now I know that wasn't you, I should have at least imagined since I've always experienced your other forms. I have so much of you inside me that I can't measure. I'm you! You are in everything I do, you are in all I believe to have beauty, you hold all I base myself on... so no, I haven't yet given up on you, I never will... It doesn't matter how long you take to come around, I shall remain applying you in all that I am, do and believe.

Days may go by, months might fade away but my faith in you will remain strong and solid, you'll continue to grow in me so that I can have much to give you once you stop by! As time goes I have more and more of you, I learn more and more about you...

Just want you to know though, that now I'm not hunting you down. Whenever you feel prepared and decide you wanna find me, I'm at your reach, I'm here waiting for you... striving but not starving!

Don't forget me, I'm here for you!

G. A.